Click here to return home. Zeke for President, 2004

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writing free of charge (including translation into any
language)...under condition that no profit is made therefrom,
and that it remain intact and complete, including title and 
credit to the original author.

Ezekiel J. Krahlin


© 2002 by Ezekiel J. Krahlin
(Jehovah's Queer Witness)

Our conventional Christians will soon have a rude awakening,
when their "savior" returns. For he is far from the First

Allow me to explain: Every planet that evolves a civilization,
has its own "Christ"...and countless civilizations were formed
eons before our own, here on earth. And *most of these earlier
civilizations were not human...not even humanoid...and in some
cases, not even carbon-based life forms.

After a little more musing, one would then ask: "Who is, then,
the First Christ?" Well, I have met the First Christ...through
telepathic communications and visualizations...and I assure
you: it is definitely not homo sapiens in any small or large
manner. What it looks like, is sort of like a large hand eight
feet tall, with a brain in each finger tip. It is a
carbon-based life form, whose smooth skin covering appears
like the surface of granite. It also molts.  (I believe that
Kurt Vonnegut envisioned these beings himself, calling them 
"Tralfamadorians" in his seminal novel "Slaughterhouse Five".)

But in its essence, shines the spark of God's love. And this
First Christ spread its gentle words of compassion through the
entire universe...that some day, any new civilization that
evolves on some other planet, will be touched by these
telepathic messages of love...and manifest in their own
Godhead--that is, "Christ"--in the form of the appropriate
intelligent species.

So...just as many folks were shocked, to learn that the
universe does not revolve around our planet...and refused to
believe this for many centuries...many earth-bound Christians
will be shocked to learn that their Christ, Jesus Christ, is
neither the only Christ, nor the First.

And that there is only one Christ, so far, who is homo
sapiens...though not the only one who is homosexual. In fact,
they all are...and this same-sex attraction seems to be one
among a dozen prerequisites of the Godhead (the Christ-being).

P.S.: Shame on you Mr. Vonnegut, for suppressing the sacred
knowledge that could have freed sexual minorities by now! For
the Tralfamadorians are all homosexual, and they imprisoned 
(in their home planet's "zoo") Billy and Montana as the only 
remaining heterosexuals in the universe! Were it not for the 
enlightened, bleeding-heart-liberal Tralfamadorians, they'd 
have gone the way of the dodo bird. 

Which would be just fine by me.


I'm here. I'm Tralfamadorian. Get used to it.
I lend a hand
to every man...
For love of glove: click me!
except my evil twin.

---addendum (w/footnotes):

If you think the Tralfamadorian (above, left) is a cartoon
version of a human hand, you are merely anthropomorphizing 1
this First Intelligent Species. Actually, they are a rubbery,
jellyfish type of creature born on a planet whose entire
surface is covered in a mantle of liquid 118 miles deep. What
we think is a "nose", is actually his brain and central nervous 
system...which floats around inside the body's viscous juices, 
protected by a rubbery, transparent skin. It just won't fit up in 
the "thumb" or any of its "fingers" (when mature). However, 
those black specks we perceive as eyebrows/eyes/mouth 
are actually specialized organs for seeing, smelling, tasting, 
absorbing and expelling.

And they can be floating ANYWHERE in that body, including
"thumb" and "fingers". It's just a funny coincidence that the
brain and specialized organs are arranged to resemble a human
face (in the picture above). To tell the truth: no matter WHAT
arrangement we view (of the Tralfamadorian's fluid and guts),
ANY arrangement will in some genuine way, closely resemble the
face of WHATEVER other sentient being exists in this or that
universe, among the INFINITY of alternative universes that we
but dimly perceive. (In fact, it's terribly RARE to resemble
less than 815 known species on any given, random arrangement 
of special organs and brain.)

Of course the "nose" does the thinking. The elongated digits
("fingers") serve two functions: sense of touch and propulsion
(through liquid atmosphere).  For most of the time, the
Tralfamadorian moves forward: with the red "pedestal" being
the "front", and the "fingers" the "rear" (paddling sidewise
like fish fins, to move forward). You only see it as shown
here, when it's at rest, simply bobbing in blissful slumber in
its liquid universe. So in actuality, you don't even get to
see his face in this picture, for it lies hidden beneath the
red "pedestal" (which also resembles the cuff of a long-sleeve
shirt). The "thumb" allows him to grab and grip something
floating through its trajectory, by pressing it against one or
more "fingers".

The astounding revelation upon witnessing the appearance of
Tralfamadorians, is this: "The concept of the 'hand' (in the
Mind of Divinity), long preceded that of the human
billions--maybe even trillions--of years."

Tralfamadorians are not without a sense of humor, to be sure.
Why else would they manifest as icons for a trashy commercial
enterprise that seeks material profit in blatant disregard for
nature's integrity and the urgent need to end excessive human
suffering? Yes, they have chosen to invade the minds of 
Pillsbury employees thirty years ago, when their Hamburger
Helper's "Helping Hand" came on the scene. Don't tell ME that
was just "coincidence". I wasn't born yesterday, Jack! 2

And what about this "evil twin"? It is also no "coincidence"
that the movie "Yellow Submarine" came out ONE YEAR after
"Helping Hand's" debut in 1977. For, right on the heels of our
Good Samaritan (whose First goal was to gently inspire meat
eaters to go vegan) came the Master of Deceit, in the form of
an animated figure called, simply, "Glove". It is twisted, it
is perverted, it is sick: smashing anything pretty in sight,
and silencing even the slightest of musical vibrations that
somehow escapes into the atmosphere where they might
reach the ear of another. It is "Helping Hand" turned inside- 
out in a bubbling cauldron of molten lead, then left to rage 
across Pepperland, stained deep blue by the countless berries 
of joy he has so far smashed. Truly a purple rage!

Glove chose a quartet of British musicians, and an upcoming pop
artist named Peter Max, through which to manifest his presence
in this order to set his diabolical trap that would
inevitably ensnare our beloved Helping Hand. Unless, of
course, Our Hero has managed to wake up enough people about
The Matrix (before Glove's trap goes "sproing-g-g-g") so that
we may ALL escape to a much nicer plane of existence.

For these two are waging a great war of the minds, which
influence our perceptions of reality, and even the weaving of
reality itself (sometimes). And they do battle by
image-flashing their icons and memes across the victim
planet's major strategic times and locales (usually
when everyone just gets home, and are about to sit down for 
dinner). Now, the Internet's their new temptation for conquest, 
and they've only just begun:

By showing themselves First through my website, then all
others! Muuu-haha-ha-ha-ha! They have eviscerated my Final
Testament, to make it a vehicle for their own disgusting plans
to hijack wild herds of chocolate unicorns, and repackage them
as Santa Clauses and Xmas Trees for the coming holiday season. 3


1 anthropomorphize: to ascribe human form or attributes to
(an animal, plant, material object, etc.).
   - Random House Dictionary

2 When Helping Hand tried to distribute his product, it turned
out to be more expensive than the meat itself. HH asked,
"What's up with that?" Answer: free-wheeling capitalism
interrupts any benevolent flow from the wealthy to the poor,
and redirects it for additional profits to the wealthy. HH
proclaimed, "How on,, can I accomplish my mission,
with such a tremendous wall of opposition implanted in the
minds of the populations?" HH grew infuriated, at the
incredible frustration it took to have to "market" his divine
mission to turn this planet's "Class 0.0004" civilization from
barbarian meat-eaters to enlightened vegans. If he couldn't
turn a profit within three years, they'd replace him with
another more apt for the job: "Doughboy".

3 "A Pagan Xmas Story": about chocolate unicorns (made for
pagan celibrants of Yuletide), stolen by "The Blue Fundies",
who remold them into Santas and Xmas Trees...and sell them to
unsuspecting Xian families. Two children (of "Queerville")
hear their little bleats for help coming from some of the
packages under the tree...late at night, before they're
supposed to even go NEAR their gifts. So they open the
packages to free them, and help them turn back into unicorns,
whence they can rejoin their happy pagan society, free from
any more chocolate Xian "meltdowns".