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Permission granted by author for anyone to distribute this
writing free of charge (including translation into any
language)...under condition that no profit is made therefrom,
and that it remain intact and complete, including title and
credit to the original author.
Ezekiel J. Krahlin
http://www.gay-bible.org
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LETTER TO RANDOLPH 1/17/87
(A True Tale From The Castro. Eat your heart out, Armistead!)
© 1998 by Ezekiel J. Krahlin
Dearest Randy,
So many of your talents are intangible to the ordinary eye!
These are the greatest talents: devotion to ideals, a
beautiful imagination, high aspirations, and fervent wishes
for world peace. And you have them all, my best friend and
Guardian Angel! Anything you create in material form will be a
beautiful symbol of your True Talents. You also have the
talent to create a lovely home for many needful souls,
establish and direct a humanitarian organization, or a similar
calling; all of which are the active expressions of your
Talents.
I think that what you are doing for me is absolutely
marvelous, no matter what level you are reaching out from!
(It certainly comes from love, in one form or another.) How
you affect me is with great inspiration and renewal of the
Great Dream. Your expressions of kindness to me frees my
creative channel--and this is your gift to me...how could I
not feel most exhilarated and forever grateful!
I cannot separate the inspiration you give me from the
inspiration I give others. To lose my link with you is also
to lose my link with the world...my creativity and aspirations
vanish. Several years before meeting you, I was already in the
process of collapsing: my creative energies were feeble, as
were my hopes for anything decent in my life. This, I
believe, came from so many years doing everything for myself
alone, so that, finally, I could no longer push my creative
flow. My inspiration comes from love, whether the source is
inward or outward. It's just that I had finally used up all
my inner "fuel," and no one had ever come into my life to
renew my source of inspiration. After all, one can read
books, watch movies, listen to the radio, about love,
kindness, and friendship...for an entire lifetime! But how
can a person eventually succeed (in spirit) if it never
manifests for him in the real world? So, my system was
shutting down...and I could do nothing about it, except to
struggle the best I knew how. However, I think that, without
someone to love and care for (and vice versa), people can and
do collapse and die in spirit while still in their bodies!
Try telling this stuff to a psychiatrist who is: (1) atheist,
(2) a believer in the philosophy that "Whatever happens to you
is your own fault, and complaining will just make it worse."
They have all the answers (they think)! What an easy way to
excuse one's responsibility to a fellow being in distress!
("Well, it's his own fault or it wouldn't happen, so it would
not only be wrong for me to get involved, but it would also be
very bad karma!") One day, my shrink quoted Freud as to what
meaning there is in life, if one does not believe in God. The
answer: "Love and Work." So I asked my psychiatrist "What if
you can't find Love? Then you just have to focus on Work,
right? But since most people can never find a career that
allows them to express their full potential (or even close to
it), where does that leave them?" He never bothered to
respond.
But I made my own conclusion: If love and work are the only
meanings, then that leaves most people off in a bad way! On a
deeper level, "work" is really acting upon your spiritual
calling (once you discover it), and "love" is the persistence
of one's belief in The Good no matter what trials lay ahead.
Not to say that there aren't a lot of people who wallow in
their distress in order to get attention! So for that reason,
I have learned to be responsive to only those people I know I
can help, and who are basically True Givers, when not down and
out themselves (or have the potential to become Givers). If I
dwell too long on the incredible numbers of people suffering
the world over, I freak out, drain all my creative resources,
and am no good for anybody, let alone myself! Yes, it hurts
to know that so many people suffer, and will continue
suffering for a long, long time to come (unless a miracle
happens, and certainly believe it will!).
But I do believe that whenever is Love expressed to a single
person, the entire world is greatly enriched in spirit!
Another victory in this War of Armageddon!
But back to my inspired talents: When you honor me with the
incredible freedom to express my love to you, I am also freed
to reach out to others, as well as begin again to write poetry
and stories! When we go through a bumpy cycle, I collapse!
So, when you tell me to share myself with others, please
realize that that is not only greatly enhanced whenever we
share, it is impossible for me when we don't! (Everything
loses its color, I have no appetite, and the world becomes a
very unfriendly and lonely place! This is one of the most
difficult battles of Armageddon! I can't beat those demons
myself! I need a faithful comrade fighting by my side! I am
in the front line, Condition Red: "We need more troops! We
need loyal comrades, armored with the purest weapons of Love,
Patience, Long-Suffering, Kindness, and sexy bodies! Please,
hear my call, we cannot win without a full, striking force!
(....STATIC, communications terminated!)." (Do you hear me,
Randy? Are your antennae receiving?)
There is only one more hill to surmount, and that is where the
greatest number of Demons have gathered. I cannot defeat them
and reach Elysium without at least one devoted comrade by my
side! This is a distress call of the highest priority!
Anyone out there, please hear me! Everybody thinks I'm just
this crazy guy who goes on weird trips because I took acid
once in my life! Help! This is the hour of Armageddon, and I
have begun fighting it a long, long time ago, by myself! I'm
doing this for all of you, because I love you, ladies and
gentlemen and all the children and children-to-be-born! I
have the vision! I know what's really going on this very
moment, beyond this thin veil of "reality"! You wouldn't
believe how absolutely mad it is out there! The Enemy
Battalions are in full colors, and, were they not evil, would
truly be a thing of glory to see! Their beauty seduces me,
and I call for reinforcements! Save me from their
temptations! Please, please, someone answer my call! Their
first line of attack is straight down the hill! My, my!
There's so many of them, and just little ol' me! (At least I
still have my sense of humor--my last line of defense. Please
send me reinforcements of humor before mine are destroyed! No
men who are half-hearted, either! Send me your best: the
sweetest, most devoted, most sexy, most passionate, warriors!)
Do you think I'm joking, Randolph? I take humor very
seriously. It is the most powerful weapon we have, and our
greatest hope to win this war! I seem to talk to you
half-real and half-figure, yet these are the only words I can
find to share with you my visions of the other world as they
unfold before my very wide-open and fearful eyes! My words
tend to be lyrical, because this other world is so incredibly
lovely and delightful! But Hell can be deceiving enough to
seem to be Heaven, so I am definitely most cautious, and
always keep a firm hand on the handle of the Gate (I swing
back and forth, twixt this world and The Other! Hop on, it's
fun!). This is a real dimension whose gate I have stumbled
through, and I now stand with one foot here, and one foot
there! I am a "keeper," so to speak, maybe for a little
while, or maybe for a long time! I am most blessed and gifted
to have this Second Sight. I can view reality on two levels
at the same time.
Everything that we do on this world is simultaneously acted
out in the spirit world...with a tremendously greater
intensity! While two people exchange bitter words here, above
there is another battle conquered by the Evil Ones! Yet look
over there: two people exchanging loving words...a victory
for the Good Ones!
Sure, many people have mused upon the parallel relationships
between Heaven, Earth, and Hell. This is nothing new to write
home about! I'm certainly not original...I'm more like the
secretary for the Angels, who dictate exactly what I am to
communicate to you (you're TOP PRIORITY, hot stuff!), and
other people with the "open faces" (meaning, they have that
"enlightened" look about them). Randy, my love is the angel's
song through the tunnel of time! Don't ask me why I have been
chosen (let alone why I think I have been chosen), or if I am
the only one, the first, or one among many (144,000?) and
certainly not the first! (I see that the Angels are presently
ironing your battle fatigues so that you will look as snappy
and bright as possible before our Enemies! You are the
Seducer of Seducers!)
I feel like the Gods act through us, and after having been
lost for so, so long in a most gruesome war, are waking up in
our souls to rediscover each other and make love through us!
My soul generates the aura of Apollo, and yours the aura of
Eros! We are still, of course, Randy and Gene, but we have
each married our Soul Mates, formerly our Guardian Angels.
How long, Randy-Eros, are you going to delay the honeymoon!
Until I'm so frustrated, that I'll finally blow up into a
million pieces of super novas? Didn't you already try that?
And you saw the mess you made? The mortals call it
"creation"--isn't that cute? I don't really care about Gene
anymore, I think I'll talk to you directly through
Randy...this way, we can more efficaciously bring Zeus's
abundant gifts onto this too- long-suffering plane of Human
Glory and Tragedy. It sure is swell to be with you again,
Eros! I am the only one you never thought to seduce, yet I am
the most seduced! While you weren't looking, I swiped your
arrows. Hope you're not angry with me! I hid the arrows in a
private dimension no one has access to except me. If you'd
like an arrow, you'll have to come with me to my private
dimension, and an arrow will appear in your hand for each time
we make love. Yes, I know you have an infinite supply--I just
want to find out for myself, big boy! Let's just see who
really does have the right stuff!
Absolutely incredible, if you even consider that such a thing
would be possible for even a moment! Randy, I can talk to you
only as Gene...or Most Lovely Eros, I can talk to you only as
Helios...or Randy/Eros, we can talk to you as a mixture of
Gene and Apollo, sometimes more one than the other! But
now Gene and I are working very well together, so he can even
step aside when need be, to allow me, the Fire of Zeus, to act
and talk directly...but still concealed to all but a rare eye!
Gene has had a most difficult and long fight (on many a
psychiatrist's couch!) to balance things out with us, his
archetypes. But we are in excellent harmony, now that Gene
realizes that we wanted him to stay Captain of the Ship all
the time! Those damn demons fucked with Gene's head, by
appearing as ourselves (Zeus's children) and luring him away
from the true Path! He even sometimes wonders if you,
Randy/Eros, could (perhaps) be one of them in Heavenly
disguise! But we have a secret that I'll now tell you: no
thing in this universe can resist the seduction of Apollo, who
has already liberated many demons to Olympia! No thing at
all, except one: Eros, Seducer of seducers! So I, the Fire
of Zeus's sperm, can only bide his lonely time till he
receives the Gracious Light of Love Eternal which is, of
course, the Aura of Eros! I have most humbly rebore myself on
earth through each human generation, to demonstrate my love
for you, Eros Most Beautiful! Have I not been sacrificed many
times in the name of Our Father, to prove my constant faith in
all that is Good and True, O Bearer of Love's Cup? Have I not
followed you through every dark path you walked, and always
found my way back to Olympia, because of my faith in you? O
Seducer of seducers, isn't there anyone who can seduce you?
If I knew of someone else, I would bring him hither to your
feet and offer him unto you, Most Handsome--for I love you
that much!
Randy, I, Apollo, address you: Gene had begun to collapse
and cut off communications from you, because of your
accusation that his gifts are "wasted" on you! So I took over
the controls in order to maintain this most crucial contact!
Gene will be all right, always, because he now trusts my
hands...and he is certainly most well-loved by me, who would
never marry any one less than a True Hero! And Gene has the
same tastes I do! During these times, he sits in the back
seat, and watches me drive, while our Medics do repair work on
his soul.
You still have a little more battling to do: those demons pop
out through your mouth once in a while. Eros, your
persistence in resistance is attracting devils into your force
field, and affecting Randy...I'm only telling you this for
your own good! If there were some other way to get them out,
I'd tell you, but the Army Seduction Field Handbook says that,
in this circumstance, "The Demons you'll fling, when to Apollo
your heart will sing!" Look, this is no more in my control
any more than it is in yours. Yes, I know it came from energy
that I created, but why did I create it? From a deeper energy
that is Our Father's own finger! You think I can change his
plans? Yeah, I know I did, once, but that was before I grew
hair on my body.
I must also tell you this, Randy: Gene would not reveal to
you what I am, for I am so deep in his heart, that he could
never trust anyone to share me! But I, Helios, have taken
command in this situation, so that no thing may be hidden, and
all may shine under the Golden Light of God's Witness. There
will be no judgment, as we find that you, as well as Gene, are
pure in soul. Even the Gods in this situation can do nothing
more than plead for mercy! It has so moved us, that we now
speak through his lips the words that shall bring to you the
full realization of Gene's love! And we judge you most worthy
of Love! Thou art the highest of Angels, and the sweetest!
Randy, this is Gene, I'm back! (Am I me, or am I Memorex?
What a most difficult decision you are up against!) Randy, I
know I have the talent to be published, but my Guardian Angel
always blocks that path! I realize now, since I am in such
good communications with those little devils, that my talents
are meant only for a few, very close friends! And whenever I
delight you, I now know, I delight the legions of Angels in
Heaven...and even in Hell! Who could ever be more famous
than that? I positively reek with God's blessings, I wonder
why I never got vain? (That was Apollo, twisting my words!
Good Heavens, it really is!)
You are made of the same stuff as I, my Angel, you possess the
fire, the wind, the water, the sky, and all that is glorious
in God's Heart of Infinite Compassion! (Ah, how lovely to
meditate upon my handsome stallion!) Randy, I've stumbled
upon a most wonderful vision of the universe, and I want with
every beat of my lonely heart, to share this Greatest of
Gifts, and then, and only then, can it be divided and shared
among all! There is no one else who can carry the torch with
me! Believe me! I've looked, I've looked! Not that there
aren't others as worthy as, or worthier than, this Great
Task...it's just that that's the way God planned it! We are
so incredibly honored to be welcomed into the Circle of
Angels: THE BROTHER/SISTERHOOD OF ANGELS! Let us embrace in
great joy, and be proud of our good works! Let us get this
show on the road!
(I guess he'll keep seeing Gene as a crazy, burdensome
nuisance until that Magic Arrow gets lodged a little further
in his heart. I know it'll hurt him--why do you think I put
things off for so long? This is my last arrow, man...Apollo's
exhausted me for a week!)
Randy, it's hard to talk to you as Gene sometimes, because the
Archetypes are having an absolute ball! They are celebrating
a most wonderful victory in the name of love, which is so very
soon from now! And the celebration is for us! Did you ever
think that, since Angels are telepathic, that they begin
celebrating a victory centuries before it happens? Of course,
their secret weapon is to only tune in on the victories,
especially in the midst of battles. That's what I think
they're doing now, by shifting me into the "safety zone," so
that I won't get in the cross fire! It's absolutely
enchanting to see the final conquest of Armageddon, and the
first ray of Morning Sun beaming over the horizon!
Randy, I am so fucking in love with you, I am out of my skin!
You are such a fucking, god-damned, lovely and most handsome
and kind man I have ever met! I'd be an absolute fool not to
reach out to you! For you are also such a sweet and needful
man! What I mean is: take your time! I'm ready for you
whenever you're ready for me! And in the meantime, I'll build
on this spiritual foundation I've created, so that I'll be
even "readier" when you arrive!
Sorry I spared you little sanity in this letter, but Apollo is
my faithful lover, and I know now that Father knows best and I
absolutely trust what He tells me to do! Believe me, I can
discern between the Good Lord's Voice and the Dark Lord's
wail! In other words, absolutely nothing is going to stop me
from mailing this letter even though I, Gene, am so afraid it
will turn you off for good! I have that much faith--faith to
believe that God speaks to me, and, when he does, I carry out
his words! My words of love are His commands! I either am
His loyal servant, or nothing at all! Surely you, a man of
many, many decorations, understands the Golden Cord of
Loyalty! (But it is also faithless to have fear, so begone my
fears!)
Randy, I am so happy that you found such an excellent clinic!
The people there must be awfully, awfully nice. I bet you
you're surrounded by a platoon of The Brother/Sisterhood of
Angels, and you don't even realize it! (They're just
"ordinary" nurses, aides, and doctors, right? Try to pull
that on me, and I'll hang up!) And how wonderful to see the
Amish in Winter...only I certainly did not want your foot to
be broken in order to accomplish that!
I already have five, lovely cards from you, filling my room
with light! Each card is so special, I really can't have
favorites. (Actually, my favorite card is always your most
recent one!) Some days I put one of your cards in my coat
pocket, so it's close to my heart all day long! I don't even
throw away the envelopes! They're right here on my desk,
waiting to have something creative done with them! (Pheobus:
"I think maybe--no, I definitely will--use these envelopes as
mortar for the Foundations of Heaven. Such very fine
material!")
Depending on which level you're on, I either got you very
upset (in which case you'll worry for my sanity and come
rushing to my aid!), or you are now absolutely joyful (in
which case you'll worry for my loneliness and come rushing to
my aid!)...or a mixture of both (in which case a dragon will
descend into your ward and sweep you off your feet to bring
you home to me!)
God is with you! Really!
What more can I say, big buddy?
Semper Fidelis!
---finis