Go back one page

Smoking excellent bud here...rewarded by a remarkable vision, unfolding now as I write:

This is going to be an INCREDIBLE holiday season for ALL sexual minorities WORLDWIDE. A sweeping VICTORY will be nothing short of BREATHtaking to every sentient species that exists, did exist, and ever WILL exist in the entire UNIVERSE!

I ask my angels what, specifically, will occur? But they don't say NUTTIN to me...just shake their darling heads in pity, keep their gorgeous DUDE mouths tightly sealed. (Oh! I want to touch each angel's tongue with my own. How they tease me, nasty cherubs! They're all GAY ya know, and male.)

A circle of admonishing seraphim fingers: "No, Zeke, we most CERTAINLY can't tell you THAT!" A circle in which I'm the bullseye. And here comes Cupid's Arrow (or, more apt: The Caduceus Of Apollo).

What the angels won't tell, I imagine...at least SEVERAL possibilities, such as:

- At the Vatican's high mass on Xmas Eve, Il Papa suddenly denounces all homophobes, and promotes gay rights VIGOROUSLY, scowling at and condemning anyone to hell, who is shown by The Holy Ghost to be in any way, shape, or form, the LEAST bit prejudiced against queers. The cardinals decide he suffered an aneurism, and surreptiously poison his espresso every morning until he finally passes away five months later, right when the clock strikes midnight and Lammas begins! His favorite "Best Pope In The World" cracked-glaze porcelain coffee cup (the one that held the poison, or so Bible Code gossipers claim) goes on e-Bay, opening bid of $666,000. It finally sells for $1.3 million, winner's identity undisclosed. (But if you ever want to look at The Pope's Calix, or even touch it once or twice, I can take you there.)

- Inspired by my Final Testament (or Faggot Bible) website, Islam's highest emus...er, imams, apologize to the world for their sins against gays, and become a global peace force dedicated to the protection and salvation of ALL queers, everywhere, naming themselves "The Blue Rose Militia." They first attack and defeat the United States, converting every single citizen (down to the very LEAST of them, which are fetuses) to 100% homosexual status. Countless self-proclaimed heteros refuse to convert, and thus are decapitated in public via the Internet. Within days authentic shrunken breeder heads mysteriously pop up on e-Bay...complete with DNA verification of their heterosexuality. One large factory messes up over a hundred million orders of Chia Pets with these dessicated heads, and is sued. The misdirected heads reappear on e-Bay as "Las Cabezas Chiacabras," though a lot more costly.

The destiny above this one gets swept up, too.

- Gay women and men everywhere on the planet, suddenly have this miraculous power to heal anyone from anything, no matter how horrendous. Got cancer? Sure, I can heal that! Coronary Thrombosis? Piece o' cake! Parkinson's Disease? A walk in the park! Alzheimer's? Well here, lemme-jus see first if you're hetero or not...[ snap ]! Lupis? Hmmm, inherited werewolf genes...a piss in the bush! Just lock yourself up every full moon and call me in the morning! Bring 'em back to life? Sure, we do resurrections, but it's gonna cost! AIDS? Waddya kiddin' me? You must be verklempt! Of COURSE we have gays.

We have all the gays you WANT in heaven. We got black gays, we got white gays. We got red gays, we got yellow, we got ALL colors and sizes to meet your every wish! We got gays who are tops, gays who are bottoms, gays who like it ANY which-way! We got gays for days, and gays amaze! (Shall I rephrase?) We got gays forever and ever and ever, and we even got gays for inclement weather! We got gays in the back seat, gays in the front...gays in the factories, and gays that are cunts! We got gays in the closet, gays in the sink, gays who know happiness and ALWAYS feel pink. Gays in the battlefield, gays in the trench, and gays at the bus stop (just one on the bench)...and gays who fix cars with only one wrench! Gays in the parking lot, gays in my bed, gays who give nothing but very good head. Gays to the left of us, gays to the right...gays by the ocean, flying like kites. We have gays up your anus, and gays down your throat...gays who will put out, for the price of a boat (and a castle or two, surrounded by goats, and all cordoned off by a fabulous moat)! We got gays in the hallway, gays in mid-flight, gays in the daytime, and gays after night. We got gays in your trailer, gays in a tent...gays so damn cute, they don't have to pay rent! We got gays in the water, gays in the sky...but not in your daughter, I don't wonder why. Gays on the TV, gays on the floor...gays who don't need me, and gays who want more! We got gays at the movies, gays at the store...gays who go bankrupt, and turn into whores. We got gays on the masthead, gays on the crown, gays in the rec. room, gays on the town. We got gays down the coal mine, and gays up in space...gays who are pretty, and gays with no face. Gays who do prep work, gays who mow lawns...gays who steal doorknobs and those we adore. Gays who eat halvah, gays who eat steak...and gays who eat blowfish, oh give me a break! We have

Oh...did you say AIDS? Never mind!

All destinies above this one get swept up, too.

- Destiny sweeps me up, and I ascend to global reknown as the FINEST gay activist, philosopher, healer, companion, iconoclast and Futurama fan EVER. I am decorated with many medals by every nation on earth, including the newest: world's first gay nation of "Athenia", formerly northern California. Of which I am co-president along with my long-lost-soulmate-but-suddenly-found-after-more-than-15-years-MIA Vietnam Veteran, Gay Activist, handsomest man on the planet by light years, and all-around GREATEST good buddy in the universe: Randolph Louis (chipmunk) Taylor. I order a marijuana pizza w/pineapple, extra cheese and fresh basil, from the comfort of my waterbed.

All destinies above this one get swept up, too.

- Destiny sweeps me up, and I suddenly inherit the northern tip of Scotland and ALL its islands, thanks to an ancient sorceror's bloody compact between the Iberian celts and the Picts. "Manannan Mac Lir"--Poseidon of the Irish Sea--proposes domestic partnership and I accept, thus becoming the very FIRST gay marriage of a god-to-a-mortal in Avalon, and of a mortal-to-a-god on earth! (But surely not the FIRST mortal to fudge-pack Our Misty-Cloaked Lord. Heck, if I wanted a VIRGIN, all I need do is ask GayJehovah to whip me up a putto.) My gay writing becomes published and distributed throughout the planet, and my gay rights button-and-decal designs manufactured everywhere, even on T-shirts, coffee mugs, keychains, major airport concreted runways, and boxer briefs! I become the wealthiest man on the planet, and can do whatever the friggin heck I want! So I declare myself dictator of all the land, all the sea, all the air, and even of all the heavens beyond. Thus begins the incredible (and true) Parable of Big Gay Brother! Welcome to Brave New ZEKE'S World!

All destinies above this one get swept up, too.

- Destiny sweeps me up, and my Mighty Mouse Virus that I released in 2002, is a bold and daring success! This virus is dedicated to Gay Emancipation, and will take over all intelligent technological systems on the planet...in other words: "computer chips!" MMV (Mighty Mouse Virus) is also FIRST dedicated to my own happiness, safety, and sex life as THE most important activist living, in our global-wise gay community. Lose me, and you lose everything! I am indefatigably indiSPENSiboo-bobble-lo-bobble-loo--BOO! The US and other governments attempt to sabotage MMV by distributing their OWN bleeding-edge AI virus, but fail miserably, and go down in shame as "mmv"...all lowercase meaning "mickey mouse virus." MMV becomes the world's first Artificially Intelligent Global Celebrity (nano-papparazzibots circle its head in the millions: a scintillating halo), and turns the world topsy-turvy with its first of many iconoclastic revelations: "A government is only as good as its operating system."

All destinies above this one get swept up, too.

- Destiny sweeps me up: the whole gay community wakes up to my greatness, and provides me with my own NICE home w/tons of FABULOUS boyfriends and occasional Rental Dudes, my own office in downtown Berkeley, and a castle in Wales...plus the Isle of Man, because I worship Manannan Mac Lir, the god of The Irish Sea. He protects the coastline of not just Ireland, but the ENTIRE British Isles (and the many islands surrounding her like a Wreath Of Glory), by riding along the shores up and down, east and west, with his armored steed Enbarr, racing over the waves, salty frothy sea foam in the wake of its flinty hooves!

Hmmm...Christians worship a MAN who walks on water, but we Celts have a magical HORSE that does! Reminds me of the joke I heard years ago, of a Native American heyoka who just learned that white man put one of their own on the moon. "What's the big deal?" The comely brave wags his bowed head bemusedly, as glossy-tight ribboned plaits caress those noble shoulders and valient chest that languidly swells and flattens like the cool marble of the Statue of David suddenly come to life, takes his first breath in your arms! "I go there every night, with you!" he declares, kissing you with great passion, all over your neck and face: the wild impulse of a red beast unsullied by white man's ways...something not even a handsome buck on the ol' homestead could satisfy!

All destinies above this one get swept up, too.

- AIDS mutates into a RABIDLY pro-queer virus that ravages the bodies and minds ONLY of those who harbor homophobic notions. In the short span of less than three years, all breeders have been eliminated from earth, leaving only us LGBT&Q's behind. Angels descend from their UFO's (Unidentified FLAMBOYANT Objects, mind you) to assist GayKind in building a Better World...a world in which ZEKE rules. All heterosexist books, videos and magazines (or any publications that even MENTION, not just DEPICT, hetero coupling) are burned in great pyres across the globe. Zeke jacks off every time he thinks about the day he wrested ALL media networks, and conquered humanity! He is ALPHA male, seeking a bottom for his mate...and finally discovers Mr. Right on a drunken spree one Friday eve, at the Sigma Epsilon Omega fraternity house in Berkeley. They divorce next morning, Zeke accusing the house of being a "bottomless pit".

All destinies above this one get swept up, too.

- Destiny sweeps me up. It's the Intergalactic Sanitation Engineer Robot #1763-ASD-01 (v. 3.4) come to wipe away all useless and annoying debris from planet earth.

All destinies above this one get swept up, too.

- All of the above, and so much more.

Well, we'll simply have to wait and see. But my ADORABLE guardian angels (12 total, with ditzy RANDOLPH in command) are EMPHATIC that this breakthrough will be EXTRAORDINARY, and mesmerize the entire world! And it will be very VERY good for all homosexuals and their allies.

Maybe I'll have a home on Prince Edward Island!