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Permission granted by author for anyone to distribute this
writing free of charge (including translation into any
language)...under condition that no profit is made therefrom,
and that it remain intact and complete, including title and
credit to the original author.
Ezekiel J. Krahlin
http://www.gay-bible.org
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THE LAPTOP BILLIONAIRE
(a parable for the 21st century)
© 2005 by Ezekiel J. Krahlin
(Jehovah's Queer Witness)
Once upon a future time--indeed barely a few years from now--a
man will become so rich that even the combined resources of
Bill Gates, Donald Trump and the Russian Mafia, will not be
able to buy him out! In fact, on paper he will pretty much own
the world.
Yet because of the complex and vast web of gov't restrictions
and global treaties, no person, no business will ever "own"
the world. On the other hand, even though any major changes in
his stock options, bank transactions, political stances, or
favorite line of underwear, will inevitably cause one or more
2nd or 3rd world nations to collapse into utter chaos and
misery (again)...he will NOT be held personally or even
morally responsible.
In other words, he will not be a benefactor by nature. So you
can imagine how much pleading charities will go through, to
even receive a single red CENT from this Wealthiest Man in The
World AND All of History. Oh, did I mention he was born with a
physical anomaly that looked like two little goat horns poking
through his forehead? They were surgically removed in his
first week of life. (I just had to throw that in. "Zeus ex
machina" and all that good stuff, you know?)
So you can ALSO imagine how many charities dedicated to
feeding the starving children of Africa, will come begging at
his e-mailbox every week! Eventually, he will stop to consider
their woeful e-plea bleatings...and after some months of
deliberation, he will present his decision (quote):
"I do not want to help these troubled tykes in the way that
YOU propose," he will proclaim on worldwide satellite link-up,
his face commanding every TV screen on the planet. "But I do
feel as you, that their situation is quite urgent, and the
sooner generosity comes their way--and in greater and greater
portions--the sooner will their sorrows end."
"So what I will do," he will then pause and look up from his
speech; and the world will suddenly become a blanket of
silence for a few, eternal heartbeats.
So what he will do, is buy all the destitute in the world (not
just in Africa, and not just starving children), a laptop. And
not just any laptop, but a really high quality laptop with the
latest technology. They will even have WiFi!
But how will he produce 2.5 billion (give or take a few tens
of millions of) laptops in the short span of 24 hours?
Actually, that's none of our business; he OWNS the
planet...er, I mean "patent".
So here will be all these starving kids in Africa, without a
roof over their heads (and many without any parent, sibling,
relation or friend in the world), on the scorched savanna,
perishing right before the lenses of first-world
camcorders...as they bring into every home in Amerika and the
world, those shocking images of freshly dead, emaciated bodies
of darkling elves curled around a Thinkpad X-999. (Time
Magazine, front cover 10 August 2013: For Every Grave A
Laptop.)
Most unfortunate, this collateral damage...though unavoidable
when transitioning from standalone to network. Computer
jokes--that is, jokes rendered by AI systems--will be made
about humans as nothing more than "dumb terminals". Despite
this ribbing, Underground Queer IT Experts (both digital and
analog) will become the New Heroes, and little children shall
learn to hack all of us into a better reality.
And when they start hacking the world, they will first
redistribute all the wealth, so that everyone will be
comfortably well off. Of couse, by then the Laptop Billionaire
will no longer be a billionaire. Not even a millionaire. Or a
thousand or HUNDRED aire! There will BE no wealthy person on
the planet any more! Interestingly enough, the Laptop
Billionaire will also be a very handsome gay male, who'll
discover a new career in tasting flavored birthday cards for
Hallmark.
There shall become writ this New Law of Government (and the
newest Amendment to the United States Constitution: number 482
to be precise), which will also be Moses' ELEVENTH
commandment:
"Thou shalt own a laptop by right of birth."
Yes, the right to own a laptop provided FREELY by the
government, shall become as much a birthright as the freedom
to pursue The Angel Of Happiness. And eventually, laptops will
become so INTIMATELY embedded in our lives, that this New Law,
this Eleventh Commandment, shall finally be altered to read:
"Thou shalt be TRANSFERRED to a laptop at birth."
--the end *** BEEP [sleep mode]
--
"The day will soon arrive when biological and computer
viruses will become completely indistinguishable from
each other." - Mighty Mouse Virus
---finis
UPDATE (Oct. 3, '05):
I posted my "Parable of the Laptop Billionaire" back in March
5 of this year:
tblog.com/templates/index.php?bid=ezekielk&static=412459
I also posted it to pagan, shaman, and other spiritual (and
gay) newsgroups (same date). Click here to view one such article via
Google.
This will verify the date.
Well, yesterday, Oct. 3, the SF Chronicle's technology section
published a news article entitled: "MIT Team prepares $100
laptop for children across Third World" (page F2). (I live in
SF, and read the local newspapers daily.)
Unfortunately, I can't find that particular article in their
online news archives, so I'll have to refer you to a couple of
online sources:
MIT's $100 Laptop for Kids in the Third World (Bostonist - Sept. 29)
MIT rolls out $100 Linux machine (Techworld - Sept. 29)
The first reference (Bostonist) includes an illustration
similar to mine...that is why you should view my Laptop
Billionaire tale on my weblog: to compare their image with
mine. Theirs shows a laptop with Third-World children's hands
reaching out in the screen:
Mine shows a Third-World child's face holding up a scratch
board with binary numerals:
This is no coincidence: I am a prophet, whose angels have
assured me some years back that my prophecies would be
increasingly affirmed and proven to a larger and larger
audience across the world. (After many years experience all
this in private: a most frustrating experience, however
wondrous...just goes with the turf of being a queer shaman).
Thus, I bring attention to this latest revelation. Certainly
good news for gay people, and all other persecuted souls...and
pagans, for that is the tradition which I follow most
reverently.
BTW, wouldn't you like to take a peek at MIT's laptop project
online? I thought so: click here.
Zeke Krahlin
Jehovah's Queer Witness)
P.S.: Click here to read the the ongoing discussion of this
topic in newsgroup "alt.consciousness.mysticism". It will
be worth your while. Promise!