STANDUP ROUTINE 001 For tonight's sermon: Many are called but few are chosen... so step right up for your lederhosen! Yaaaay! * Well anyway: Jesus is back, and he's funnier than a barrel of lesbian monkeys with puffy vaginas. Ha, ha, hahahahah. * (Starts sobbing uncontrollably.) What's the matter, JQW? "A Republican hurt my feelings today; he said all of us stinkin' liberals oughtta be strung by our ovaries and gutted in every public town square, and every village, and urban shopping mall." I really needed cheering up bad, so I stroll down to Muddy Waters Cafe, and there's my good friend Suzy. She always cheers me up and, best of all, she's a hard-core Democrat from day 1. "Hey Suzy, how ya doin'?" Well hey, JQW; I'm doing fine. Just started studying economic theory, and you know, I really like George Soros's ideas. (Looks around in dismay, then starts crying again.) * Uh, uh. Oh boy! My Mom really doesn't accept me as gay...still believes it's essentially "dirty", "immoral". Many times I told her I'm a decent guy, old-fashioned...don't go to sex clubs or bathhouses. But she chooses to see me as an "exception" to the queer rule. So I finally cave in to her stereotyping, and told her how even the straight cops now wear leather chaps exposing their butt-cheeks, in queer neighborhoods...a kind of "community outreach". (Pauses, turns away from audience, then faces back at them and winks: "Yeah, if only!") * What is it with these self-improvement books anyway? "I'm Alright, You're Alright", "Be Yourself in 10 Easy Lessons", "Overcoming Your Deepest Inhibitions", "Looking Out for Numero Uno", and so on. You mean to tell me, even the most foul, baby-fucking, female-raping, fag-bashing breeder PERVERT can read one of these books and walk away feeling perfectly fine about who he is this very moment? No way, man. I'M comin' out with my OWN book, and I'm gonna call it: I'M OKAY AND YOU'RE NOT. * So, um, the premise of my character is thus: Jesus returns to planet earth, and he's queer as a Susan B. Anthony dollar bill. And so's his Dad. They're both a couple of wild and crazy queers. So how does Jesus make his second coming known to the masses? Well, he starts out by appearing here and there, at open mic throughout San Francisco...as a queer comic and storyteller. But, he's not really good at anything he does, 'cause his Father spoils him rotten (extreme favoritism, you know)...and, uh, he thinks he's the cat's meow. (Audience member picks up a page I just dropped.) Thank you. So how do I pull off playing such a complex character? I'm trying! * Jesus has a web page, Of that I surely know. I stayed up all night reading Every New Age para-ble. Jesus has a web page, And I can point you there: Surf dot-to slash gaybible And the home page will appear. Jesus has a web page Called "Final Testa-ment", Sponsored by a free host 'Cause Jesus don't pay rent. Jesus has a web page, It's gonna blow your mind: He says that he and daddy Do the nasty all the time! Jesus has a web page, He's a faggot now I know, 'Cause he whipped it out in front of me, And asked me for a blow! Jesus has a web page, And I can point you there: Surf dot-to slash gaybible And the home page will appear. * Yes, um, do you like cow jokes? Everyone likes cow jokes, and I think every standup comic should have at least one or two good cow jokes under his belt. So tonight folks, you're gonna hear LESBIAN cow jokes. And not just ANY lesbian cow jokes, but JEHOVAH'S QUEER WITNESS'S lesbian cow jokes. So how many lesbian cows can fit in an SUV? (Pauses.) Not a one, not a single one. How do lesbian cows make love? (Pauses.) C'mon: How do lesbian cows make love? (Pauses.) With udder abandon! Yaaay! So I had a great breakfast this morning at Sappho's Burgers & Buns. A lesbian cow waited on me. It's the only restaurant where they'll kick you out for tipping. * Okay now, uh: How many here are voting for John Kerry? Raise your hand. Hey, great. And how many are voting for Bush? Alright. And how many are voting for Jehovah's Queer Witness? That's okay. (Several audience members raise their hands). Thank you, thank you! I just made my formal announcment today: surprise spoiler. Okay? And, and my slogan is on my web page, gay-bible.org or surf.to/gaybible (and the home page will appear). And my slogan is: Vote for Zeke in double-oh-four, Or brown shirts will bang down your door. Take that any way you want. My real name is Zeke Krahlin, and my stage name Jehovah's Queer Witness. My dream is to be the world's first gay perv...president. But I'll go for dictatorship too, 'cause seeing the way things are going, that might be my only chance, you know? I'm even, um...let's see here: * Why did the chicken cross the road? To pay his pimp-daddy on the other side. * Gawd, I am so sick and tired of chicken jokes! Aren't you? There have been so many so WAY overdone, it's like beating off a dead horse! And you know where that gets you: Nowhere, or 2 months community service by court order. This actually happened to me...once. But I got lucky: They assigned me to clean the horse stables at Golden Gate Park! Boy, did I have a feast! * Speaking of necro-copro-beastiality: You know what I absolutely HATE about orgies? When all the lights go out, and suddenly an undead female--FEMALE--Komodo Island Dragon poops all over you, and drops her grubby paw on your ass...and keeps it there! Ewwww! * There once was a time when queers and heteros mingled freely in mutual respect. It was called "The Pleistocene". * Since queers (pause). Since queers are not deemed fit to defend our nation, raise a family, or give blood to our soldiers... how do loyal Amerikan faggots like me, prove our patriotism? With a LOT of freedom kisses. * Thank you. (Takes a bow and leaves stage.) -- finis