Go back one page

Our conventional Christians will soon have a rude awakening, when their "savior" returns. For he is far from the First Christ.

Allow me to explain: Every planet that evolves a civilization, has its own "Christ"...and countless civilizations were formed eons before our own, here on earth. And *most of these earlier civilizations were not human...not even humanoid...and in some cases, not even carbon-based life forms.

After a little more musing, one would then ask: "Who is, then, the First Christ?" Well, I have met the First Christ...through telepathic communications and visualizations...and I assure you: it is definitely not homo sapiens in any small or large manner. What it looks like, is sort of like a large hand eight feet tall, with a brain in each finger tip. It is a carbon-based life form, whose smooth skin covering appears like the surface of granite. It also molts. (I believe that Kurt Vonnegut envisioned these beings himself, calling them "Tralfamadorians" in his seminal novel "Slaughterhouse Five".)

But in its essence, shines the spark of God's love. And this First Christ spread its gentle words of compassion through the entire universe...that some day, any new civilization that evolves on some other planet, will be touched by these telepathic messages of love...and manifest in their own Godhead--that is, "Christ"--in the form of the appropriate intelligent species.

So...just as many folks were shocked, to learn that the universe does not revolve around our planet...and refused to believe this for many centuries...many earth-bound Christians will be shocked to learn that their Christ, Jesus Christ, is neither the only Christ, nor the First.

And that there is only one Christ, so far, who is homo sapiens...though not the only one who is homosexual. In fact, they all are...and this same-sex attraction seems to be one among a dozen prerequisites of the Godhead (the Christ-being).

P.S.: Shame on you Mr. Vonnegut, for suppressing the sacred knowledge that could have freed sexual minorities by now! For the Tralfamadorians are all homosexual, and they imprisoned (in their home planet's "zoo") Billy and Montana as the only remaining heterosexuals in the universe! Were it not for the enlightened, bleeding-heart-liberal Tralfamadorians, they'd have gone the way of the dodo bird.

Which would be just fine by me.

---finis

I lend a hand to every man...

except my evil twin.

---addendum (w/footnotes):

If you think the Tralfamadorian (above, left) is a cartoon version of a human hand, you are merely anthropomorphizing ¹ this First Intelligent Species. Actually, they are a rubbery, jellyfish type of creature born on a planet whose entire surface is covered in a mantle of liquid 118 miles deep. What we think is a "nose", is actually his brain and central nervous system...which floats around inside the body's viscous juices, protected by a rubbery, transparent skin. It just won't fit up in the "thumb" or any of its "fingers" (when mature). However, those black specks we perceive as eyebrows/eyes/mouth are actually specialized organs for seeing, smelling, tasting, absorbing and expelling.

And they can be floating ANYWHERE in that body, including "thumb" and "fingers". It's just a funny coincidence that the brain and specialized organs are arranged to resemble a human face (in the picture above). To tell the truth: no matter WHAT arrangement we view (of the Tralfamadorian's fluid and guts), ANY arrangement will in some genuine way, closely resemble the face of WHATEVER other sentient being exists in this or that universe, among the INFINITY of alternative universes that we but dimly perceive. (In fact, it's terribly RARE to resemble less than 815 known species on any given, random arrangement of special organs and brain.)

Of course the "nose" does the thinking. The elongated digits ("fingers") serve two functions: sense of touch and propulsion (through liquid atmosphere). For most of the time, the Tralfamadorian moves forward: with the red "pedestal" being the "front", and the "fingers" the "rear" (paddling sidewise like fish fins, to move forward). You only see it as shown here, when it's at rest, simply bobbing in blissful slumber in its liquid universe. So in actuality, you don't even get to see his face in this picture, for it lies hidden beneath the red "pedestal" (which also resembles the cuff of a long-sleeve shirt). The "thumb" allows him to grab and grip something floating through its trajectory, by pressing it against one or more "fingers".

The astounding revelation upon witnessing the appearance of Tralfamadorians, is this: "The concept of the 'hand' (in the Mind of Divinity), long preceded that of the human body...by billions--maybe even trillions--of years."

Tralfamadorians are not without a sense of humor, to be sure. Why else would they manifest as icons for a trashy commercial enterprise that seeks material profit in blatant disregard for nature's integrity and the urgent need to end excessive human suffering? Yes, they have chosen to invade the minds of Pillsbury employees thirty years ago, when their Hamburger Helper's "Helping Hand" came on the scene. Don't tell ME that was just "coincidence". I wasn't born yesterday, Jack! ²

And what about this "evil twin"? It is also no "coincidence" that the movie "Yellow Submarine" came out ONE YEAR after "Helping Hand's" debut in 1977. For, right on the heels of our Good Samaritan (whose First goal was to gently inspire meat eaters to go vegan) came the Master of Deceit, in the form of an animated figure called, simply, "Glove". It is twisted, it is perverted, it is sick: smashing anything pretty in sight, and silencing even the slightest of musical vibrations that somehow escapes into the atmosphere where they might reach the ear of another. It is "Helping Hand" turned inside- out in a bubbling cauldron of molten lead, then left to rage across Pepperland, stained deep blue by the countless berries of joy he has so far smashed. Truly a purple rage!

Glove chose a quartet of British musicians, and an upcoming pop artist named Peter Max, through which to manifest his presence in this world...in order to set his diabolical trap that would inevitably ensnare our beloved Helping Hand. Unless, of course, Our Hero has managed to wake up enough people about The Matrix (before Glove's trap goes "sproing-g-g-g") so that we may ALL escape to a much nicer plane of existence.

For these two are waging a great war of the minds, which influence our perceptions of reality, and even the weaving of reality itself (sometimes). And they do battle by image-flashing their icons and memes across the victim planet's major media...at strategic times and locales (usually when everyone just gets home, and are about to sit down for dinner). Now, the Internet's their new temptation for conquest, and they've only just begun:

By showing themselves First through my website, then all others! Muuu-haha-ha-ha-ha! They have eviscerated my Final Testament, to make it a vehicle for their own disgusting plans to hijack wild herds of chocolate unicorns, and repackage them as Santa Clauses and Xmas Trees for the coming holiday season. ³

---finis

¹ anthropomorphize: to ascribe human form or attributes to (an animal, plant, material object, etc.). - Random House Dictionary

² When Helping Hand tried to distribute his product, it turned out to be more expensive than the meat itself. HH asked, "What's up with that?" Answer: free-wheeling capitalism interrupts any benevolent flow from the wealthy to the poor, and redirects it for additional profits to the wealthy. HH proclaimed, "How on, uh...earth, can I accomplish my mission, with such a tremendous wall of opposition implanted in the minds of the populations?" HH grew infuriated, at the incredible frustration it took to have to "market" his divine mission to turn this planet's "Class 0.0004" civilization from barbarian meat-eaters to enlightened vegans. If he couldn't turn a profit within three years, they'd replace him with another more apt for the job: "Doughboy".

³ "A Pagan Xmas Story": about chocolate unicorns (made for pagan celibrants of Yuletide), stolen by "The Blue Fundies", who remold them into Santas and Xmas Trees...and sell them to unsuspecting Xian families. Two children (of "Queerville") hear their little bleats for help coming from some of the packages under the tree...late at night, before they're supposed to even go NEAR their gifts. So they open the packages to free them, and help them turn back into unicorns, whence they can rejoin their happy pagan society, free from any more chocolate Xian "meltdowns".